A Candy Colored Clown They Call the Sandman

I am a 32 year-old hermaphrodite born near a Nevada nuclear test-site in the early 1960's. Because of the mutagenic properties of the milk I ingested as a feral child raised by wolves in a radioactive forest, my DNA strands have been unwinding a little every day, causing unpredictable results. Please be my friend. If you don't, I will be forced to introduce the music of Patti LaBelle to eastern Tunisia and drink the sweat produced collectively by the Kingston Trio during a leap year.