Yoko Ono Removes Corn
from Donald
Sutherland's Foot
by A Candy-Colored Clown They Call the Sandman
I was only asleep for about an hour last night, when I was awakened by the high-pitched, animalistic, screechy yodeling of Yoko Ono as she was slicing a gelatinous, yellowing corn off of the foot of a naked, comatose Donald Sutherland who was sprawled out on my bedroom floor. After the corn was removed, a geyser of blood spurted from his foot onto her face, whereupon she initiated a mournful wail, and began sensuously spreading the pus-soaked liquid all over her body. Without warning, Mr. Sutherland bolted upright with a malevolent glare in his beady eyes.
"All we are saying," he chanted, "is give yeast a chance."
I had trouble falling back to sleep, so I turned on HBO and witnessed Mike Tyson beating Sally Struthers to a pulp while she blubberingly pleaded to the viewers to send money.
"For the price of a cup of coffee," she tearfully moaned, "you can feed a family of steroid-enhanced Norwegian dyslexic rhesus monkeys for two months."
Suddenly,Tyson landed an uppercut, and her face erupted into a shower of teeth, gums and chunky-style cartilage. She hit the floor with a thud, as Tyson launched into a mincing pirouette and began a rendition of "There's No Business Like Show Business" in his best Ethel Merman voice.
I flipped the channel, and an image of Linda Blair wielding a crucifix, projectile vomiting onto Tatum O'Neal briefly assaulted my eyes before I clicked again and finally settled on Nightline. As Ted Koppel rambled on in front of a huge backdrop photograph of Pat Robertson running on all fours on a hamster treadmill inside of a giant Habitrail, his hair slowly began sliding down the right side of his head, hung on his ear for a moment, and fell to the ground. Emblazoned on Koppel's completely bald pate, was a continuous animated loop of a Betty Boop cartoon in which she is performing dental surgery on a goat dressed as Hitler. Mercifully, a commercial followed, which featured Bill Cosby sitting on a couch in stony silence as green Jell-O slowly oozed out of his ears, nose, eyes, mouth and fingertips. Next was an ad for Hair Club For Women in which supermodel Elle MacPherson was having Judge Lance Ito's beard surgically attached to her chin.
"Not only am I a hermaphrodite," she chirped, "I'm also a client."
I turned off the TV and went to the kitchen for some milk. When I opened the refrigerator, I saw a miniature Babe Winkelman precariously perched on the rim of my orange juice pitcher, unhooking a minnow which had the head of Ozzy Osbourne from a bat-shaped lure.
"A little under the legal limit," he drawled, as he tossed the Ozzyfish back into the orange juice.
I grabbed the milk, poured myself a large glass, and sat down at the table, when I heard muffled cries coming from under my sink. I opened up the cabinet and saw makeup-encrusted Tammy Faye Baker curled into a fetal position, sobbing. She fished in her pocket for a moment, produced a monkey wrench, and began unscrewing the pipe leading to the faucet. Before I could stop her, water began gushing out of the joint of the pipe, drenching us. I noticed, however, that her crying had stopped, and upon closer inspection, I saw that the water had completely melted her face off, as if sulfuric acid had been applied. I rushed to the phone to call the plumber, and went down to the basement to shut off the water in the meantime.
When I turned the light on in the utility room, I found Jethro and Ellie May from The Beverly Hillbillies sitting on the floor naked, surrounded by candles and incense, playing Scrabble. Granny, also naked except for a shoulder holster, stood off in the corner scratching herself, nonchalantly smoking a cigar. I turned off the water, and hurried back upstairs to wait for the plumber.
Just as I approached the top of the stairs, the doorbell rang. As I reached for the doorknob, in rushed Yoko Ono, who immediately tackled me to the ground and sat on top of my chest.
"I'm the plumber. I've come to fix the sink," she warbled. "But first, I'll need your spleen."
The last image I can recall, before losing consciousness, is Yoko shaving her eyebrows to "prepare for surgery."
When I woke up the next morning, the sink was fixed, but there was a strange pain just below my rib cage.
[Writers] [Birdhouse]