Chris Farley Naked
with Arm in Garbage Disposal

by A Candy-Colored Clown They Call the Sandman

I took my incontinent dog Lester, who is a poodle-Great Dane mix, out for a walk today into my living room. Before urinating on my coffee- table, he informed me that Alec Baldwin will develop a career-ending speech impediment in 1998. I smirked and leaned over to clean up the mess, when I noticed a two-foot tall creature, with John Turturro's head and Madonna's body, complete with funnel-breasts, scurrying behind my couch. I moved the couch out from the wall, and when I cornered the beast, it began Voguing and spitting at me simultaneously. I grabbed it with both hands, and threw it out the window as it kicked, screamed, spit, and Vogued.

As I ambled into the kitchen, I saw Chris Farley standing at my sink naked except for a flowered apron. He reminded me that one should always have the water running before turning on their garbage disposal. He then turned on the faucet, flipped the switch for the disposal, and thrust his huge left arm into the sink. A spray of blood, flesh and water perfectly choreographed his low-pitched screaming and the staccato whirring of the disposal's blades. He turned off the disposal first, and then the water with his right hand, and whirled around to face me with a spurting stump of a left arm, severed just above the wrist.

"Can I interest you in a low rate, hassle-free home-equity loan?" he grimaced, before collapsing to the floor twitching.

I ran to the bedroom to call 911, but before I could reach the phone, a greenish-red, raccoon-sized pterodactyl clamped its beak onto my right ankle, causing me to pitch forward and fall to the floor. The animal then waddled right up to my face and began singing 'Annie's Song' by John Denver. Before going into shock, I saw it regurgitate an acidic, brownish, viscous liquid which ate a grapefruit-sized hole into my natural hardwood floor.

When I awoke, I decided to take a stroll along the beach to clear my head. But, when I arrived, one of the first sights to greet me was Tom Arnold's head sticking out of the sand mournfully wailing "Rosssiiieee!!!" at the top of his lungs. As I continued, I noticed Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme toward the shore, roasting a goat on a spit. That, combined with the scent of rotting alewives and fresh medical waste was making me hungry. As I was about to enter the 31 Flavors Ice Cream Shop across the street from the beach, Las Vegas fixtures Sigfried and Roy, wearing Los Angeles Police Department uniforms, came barrelling out pursued by a Siamese kitten.

"Sarmoti!" they screamed, before being struck dead by a tourist bus.

I entered the shop and saw Johnny Carson standing near the register bedecked in huge gold medallions, wearing baggy jeans and a backwards baseball cap.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo-What up homey?" he asked me.

"Not much," I smiled nervously.

The girl behind the counter, a pimply-faced teen with crab-like pincers where her hands should have been, asked me if I would care to try the company's new 32nd ice cream flavor--Pine-Sol Peach. I said that I would just have a single scoop vanilla cone, and then I scurried out of there.

On the way back home, I saw an ad on a bus for a new breakfast food from Nabisco: "Anabolic Steroid Crunchies". From the picture, they appeared to be bite-size, sugar-coated syringes. Arriving back at my house, I checked the mail, but found only a writhing human tongue in the box. As soon as I opened the front door, Lester ran up to me with Chris Farley's hand in his mouth and urinated on my leg. He then informed me that next week , Jim Nabors will be arrested for abusing an armadillo. It was good to be home again.

9/13/97


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