The Lost Gospel

Transliterated by Jeff Brown

During a recent archaeological excavation in Iraq, there was recently unearthed remnants of an until now lost part of the Bible. This gospel, known as "The Gospel According to Bill", has been at the center of a heated debate about its very authenticity. It seems that at one time there was an author who chronicled the life of Jesus Christ, and this author, who wished to be known as "Bill" (not "William"), wrote a version of the gospel. There are several interesting points about the text:

1. Jesus occasionally says "sounds good to me" and ends the sermon on the mount with a singalong.

2. The betrayal of Judas is never really explained, but only hinted at with the phrase "got Jesus in Dutch."

3. There are only two wise men, they show up late to the manger, and bring Baby Jesus two gifts: sand and a small iguana.

4. There are some curious parables told by Christ, including "The Man with Two Heads" and "The Talking Donkey."

5. Saint Joseph appears only sporadically, and seems always to have just "run out to buy some milk."

6. The apostle Thaddeus gets teased about his name a lot.

The discovery has formidable detractors. Professor Shev Aklan, of the University of Tehran, insists that the gospel is a fabrication. He maintains that certain stains on the text were actually made by a kind of macaroni and cheese that was not available till well after the time of Christ. Professor Adam "Footnotes" Mallory maintains that the document could very well be authentic, citing the fact that St. Luke was rumored to have mentioned the gospel of Bill in a letter to the Farisians, now lost along with several limericks.

Of particular interest is an interchange between Christ and his disciples that exists, almost entirely, in this particular manuscript:

Jesus called the disciples together and said "You have served God well, but you are still fishermen. Soon I will make you fishers of men."

James called out to Jesus "Teacher, this is hard to understand. How will we fish for men?"

"You will look for the righteous and good, leading them into the kingdom of God."

Andrew said "Hey, let's throw Simon into the river and fish him out. Is this what you mean?"

"No, not really." said Christ.

Simon said "This could be fun. It's hot, I'm tired. Let's do it."

"I'll want to go too." said Phillip.

Jesus said "How foolish you all are. Cut it out, quit horsing around." But some of them were already in the river.

Jesus began to leave.

James asked Jesus where he was going. Jesus replied "I'm tired of explaining everything. I need a nap."

This passage is interesting because, though based on the actual misunderstandings between Christ and the disciples, there was little to suggest (in other gospels) that they did much goofing around in Biblical times. Most scholars agree, however, that the above passage does little to justify the pie fight between the Pharisees and the Publicans that is covered in the Gospel of Bill.

In the end, the most telling line may be where the fisherman Zebedee tells his son that he has a headache and asks for an aspirin. This passage casts much doubt on the gospel's authenticity.

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